Chris Harrison opens up this week’s The Bachelorette explaining the order of the episode, before we cut to the main drama of the season, namely Evil Ben v the rest of the men. Michael G bitches that ‘9 great guys are going on this group date, and Ben is coming along too’. Ben maintains he is not sorry for focusing on the pursuit of Desiree rather than making his male competitors his friends.
The first group date sees the men play Dodge ball. First there was some practice sessions against a team from the National Dodge ball League, before the group of ten split off into two teams, the winners getting more time with Des in the evening. The Blue team wins, Desiree seems thrilled they are trying so hard. Brooks ends up in hospital with a broken finger, passing out at the hospital and does the best he can to get through this traumatic situation.
In the evening, rugged Brad announces he wants to share some of his past with Des. He doesn’t hold back, first telling her of his 3 year old son before dropping the bombshell of a domestic violence charge he was accused of against his former partner, and also putting it out there his son’s mother has alcohol problems. Des appreciates the candid approach and he looks set to stay another week.
A while later, Brooks is released from hospital and gets a passionate kiss from Des after some solid schmoozing. The winner in the evening section however is Chris, who finds a spot on the roof to steer Desiree too and the pair exchange an intimate, comfortable conversation. Chris is given the rose, offering hope to balding geeks everywhere.
Next up, Desiree is seen receiving an alarming call from Chris Harrison (not at all staged). He tells her he has received some alarming news about financial advisor Brian. Soon after, we see a plastic-breasted, rubber -faced broad enter the mansion to confront Brian about alleged cheating. She claims Brian is a ‘lying, cheating, deceitful pig’ amongst other insults. Brian attempts to deny it before finally conceding that he penetrated her two days before the show started. Des has seen enough and sends him on his away. The remaining contestants suitably condemn Brian’s actions, judging him as they snigger.
Hearing that Brian’s girlfriend is a single mother proves too much for emotional Brandon, who weeps into the camera about various father figures who have come in and then left his life all too quickly growing up.
Following this, Kasey and Des have a one on one date dancing on the side of a building, The dancing on the side of a building goes well enough, but as they head into the evening the viewer is hit with a whirlwind of awkwardness. Following high winds on the roof top, a very lame kiss in the pool, and shivering bodies the two seem to make peace with the fact the date was pretty rubbish before finally handing him a rose for being an all round nice guy and a ‘good sport’.
The episode moves on to the group date, a movie stunt themed affair where the men dress up as cowboys and partake in movie style fistfights. Des is happy with the enthusiasm the guys demonstrate, not to mention their rugged cowboy good looks. After kissing almost everyone, Des gives the rose to James who plays the insecure, needing-reassurance card to perfection.
Next, Chris Harrison informs the group that the rose party is cancelled, Des is opting for a pool party instead. Before she can even step foot in the door, evil Ben whisks her away for a secret drive in her Bentley. Offering up smooth lyrics about how girls perceive him as a father figure too often rather than a romanticist, Des swoons at this ‘humble, sweet man’ and the two make out in the car. Mikey T and Michael G quiz Ben on whether he has spent time with Des this evening. He says he has not. All over Ben like a cheap suit, the two tell him that they don’t appreciate being lied to, that they will never trust him, and Mikey T tells the camera Ben needs a punch in the face.
Brandon, only ever a conversation away from tears, tells Des that along with the fact that he will never hurt her, he is falling in love with her. She laughs at him. He tells the camera that he doesn’t contemplate anything other than ‘how perfect and meant to be they really are’. We can’t contemplate anything other than an early exit for you, Brandon.
Wrapping up this week’s third episode, we move onto the rose ceremony where tension is rife. The camera cuts to this week’s peripheral figures, Ben, Mikey T, Brandon and Dan. Two of them will soon be discarded like used sanitary towels. The camera fleetingly pans to Brad, wondering if his domestic violence admission did him any favors. It did, he is safe. Dan and Brandon are the two left over without being given a rose. Dan takes it in his stride. Brandon does not. “Once again, someone left me. I can’t even cry,” he says, crying. Wrong show for you, Brandon. Wrong show.
Let’s hope to see a few less tears next week. Okay?!