It has been brought to my attention, as a newly single gal, that a surprising new trend has developed in the dating word since I was last on the market. I should say that I’ve had many years of singledom over the course of my life, and this is decidedly not something that I or my girlfriends have experienced in the past. Now, it’s no secret that dudes love to share their dongs with the world. For decades and across the globe, penises have been whipped out of pants for sport, to the amusement of thousands. I am finding, however, in this new era of constant email, texting and iphone5s and the like, that unsolicited penises are making their way into my inbox at an alarming rate. To put a fine point on it, the penises do not belong to men I have dated, men that I am currently dating, or even to men that I’ve been on a single date with. No, these penises belong to the (quite obviously) very self-assured men that are so-called courting me! Courting me with sweet, sometimes cleverly crafted emails and text messages of getting-to-know-you banter, then moving on to making arrangements to meet up for the first time, then boom: The unsolicited PENIS PICTURE.
Take yesterday morning for example. I’m sipping my coffee, chatting over email with a girl friend catching up on the weekend, when suddenly I was photobombed by a dick pic with the hashtag: “We’re thinking about you.” What?!?! We…as in you and you? You and him? It and you? You and the members of the perpetual frat house you must mentally inhabit?
Besides the aesthetic point that the penis is one tough organ to photograph well, these amateur photographers are missing another very important point: WE HAVE NEVER MET.
Now let me clear: I am a big fan of the penis. But these inevitably awkward self-portraits are starting to make me and the other ladies I’ve been talking to less of a fan. Is this only happening in Manhattan? I don’t know. From my highly unscientific research, I’ve concluded that there is an epidemic, a mass movement, if you will, of unsolicited cock and ball photos of strangers (or at best, new acquaintances) coming to a phone near you out of nowhere and when you least expect it, or, frankly, want it. Morning. Midday. Dinnertime. When you’re in a meeting at work. While you’re in the bathroom. While you’re talking to your friend about her sick mother. While you’re debating the impact of the sequester. When you’re trying to be the first one on the Gilt website when the sale starts. Whatever it is you are doing that you want to be doing, other than unilaterally being hit with a photo virtual stranger cock and balls.
And since I fear we cannot ignore this raging phenomenon, I will share with you the learning that I have reluctantly gained about the different styles of the penis photobombs:
1) The Paparazzi
You can tell this is a quick spur of the moment shot. It is typically taken from one of the more unflattering angles and ends up consisting mostly of a ball-less wookie hole peeping out from a suit pant. Clearly a quick-before-I-lose-my-nerve unzip, flash, send, BOOM.
2) Nude Model Wanabe
There is a little more effort put into this shot and it shows. The man has at least taken the time to lower his pants around his ankles to give the unobstructed view. It is usually obvious that the penis-bearer has tried several options and angles before dutifully sending what he considers the ‘best’ one. The part I really don’t like about this one (other than the fact that it lands in my inbox!) is that they are usually sitting, so their fuzzy balls are pan caked under them, visually dominating the rest of the picture. Not that I am advocating more balls in the shot, but if they’re going to be there, having them schmoozed in the corner frame of the picture causes me some kind of weird anxiety that is as unwanted as the whole picture.
3) Undercover Cock
If I had to be the recipient of a penis photobomb, this is the one I would choose. It is understated yet still gets the message across. It consists of a rock hard penis impersonating a sock puppet under the guy’s underwear. This is usually shot from above while the penis bearer is sitting at his car or desk. This, at least leaves a little bit to the imagination.
4) Sad Peepee
This one is the worst! It is a shot of a limp or semi-hard penis. Really!!?? Why bother.
5) “You Must Be This Tall To Ride”
This one can never work in the guy’s favor. This is when a guy takes the time to photograph his dong next to an inanimate object. The obvious point of this is to give the lucky viewer a size chart against which to compare this “massive” penis. Note to the male world, when using such objects as pens or straws the comparison will never be “wow-worthy” and your picture loses all street cred. Not to mention will most likely find its way into several other inboxes by operation of a forwarding storm to the recipients entire group of girlfriends as the butt of a joke. This one has also made me sad on occasion, surely not the reaction the sender was hoping to elicit.
As you can see ladies, without a doubt we are dealing with an epidemic of mammoth proportion –or, rather, not so mammoth and in fact, of unfortunately small proportion in some cases. This is not to say that only guys with large penises should be taking and sending unsolicited pictures of their dongs; rather, what we are saying is not to send them at all. And if you simply cannot give up this photo bombing (for whatever reason you and your shrink conclude), at least wait until after the first or second date. Trust us: Mystery is good. Leave us hoping, wondering, thinking about it. What happen to the “old fashioned” scenario of making out with a girl and letting her go for the grab to assess the situation for herself? 2005 (when I was last dating) suddenly feels like a lifetime ago in the face of all these penis photo bombs. The way it seems to work now, before I even pull up my bar stool next to you (if I even bother going on the first date after the photo bombing) I am plagued with the vision of your penis.
So listen up: Stop flooding my phone and inbox with subpar pictures of your likely-quite-average cocks. Keep it locked and loaded until you at least buy me a drink.