I can’t have sex without a connection. True story. It has dawned on me, within the past few years, that is just isn’t something that’s going to happen for me. I need a semblance of a relationship, feelings, emotional connectivity, in order to Go There.
I wish I were more, what’s the word, liberated, with my feelings on this subject, but alas, as the years have gone by, it has dawned on me, become abundantly clear to me, that I need that something, that special something in order to Do That Thing.
So. I stay sexually frustrated. (You know, if I am not getting any). I’ve had girlfriends tell me, JUST DO IT. An even an aunt who attributed my ovarian cyst to the fact that I am not getting any. (Which sparked an entire new thought process in my mind: How does she know I am not having sex? Oh God! People can probably SEE or SMELL it on me!)
I just kind of looked at her, bewildered, thinking to myself, This is so sad and she is so right. Right about the part about me needing to get some. Have some.
You hear men say how it must be so easy for a woman. To take her pick, to pick someone out of a crowd (a bar? Gross) or how you know, it must be so simple to get laid. But I don’t want to just get laid. I mean, I want to get laid but not just by any dude.
I want to feel something. Have it mean something.
One of my besties, much more free and unchained with these kinds of things, was ministering to me, telling me to just have at it and then paused and said, “Like you’d ever do that.” And she’s right. I wouldn’t. I can’t. I’m simply not built that way. Making out is all fine and good. Kissing is great. But the next level, I need a little something.
I am not apologizing for this. I suppose I’d rather be frustrated or not getting any as opposed to hating myself for sleeping with someone who there was simply nothing there with. We live in a fast world of hook ups. Where there are phone apps to find someone in your local vicinity to bang, where it’s celebrated to Just Do It. But I can’t. And that’s all right with me.
Stupid “Girl” feelings. I feel so stereotypical.