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Here I am now,
in a place furthest from where I ever imagined my life to be. When I left high school, I vowed I would never read another book that wasn’t a text book or magazine. I was an average (at best) English Student, and found writing anything that wasn’t a business plan painful.
For many years my life ran me, like clockwork. One goal to the next, I checked off the items on my list. Until, I woke up and realized that the more I checked off, the more I wanted. My life had become so goal oriented and predictable, I forgot what it was like to feel. The first time I truly fell in love, which happened after my failed marriage, I had my heart broken. Immediately, I promised I would never let that happen again. After months of grieving and healing, I realized, it had been worth it.
I dipped my toes back into the dating pool, and found myself swept up into a confusing and scary search for love. Oddly, the only way I could wrap my thoughts around it was to write. To think. To process. I needed to believe I wasn’t alone in the confusion. I met someone knew, and found myself terrified, overthinking, and confused. I leaned on writing anonymously to get my thoughts out.
I joked to the close friends who knew I was blogging that someday I would write a book about all of my experiences. Little did I know, the universe was listening. After a failed marriage, and two heartaches, there were many times I questioned if the “love” I’d always imagined actually existed. Yet, miraculously, life continued to line up opportunities for me to write. I began taking the opportunities, and published one article with my real name on it. It was a release.
Oddly, writing allowed me the chance to process my experience, to understand it, accept it, learn from it, and move on from it. The reactions I received were astonishing. I was coming to realize that I was not alone in the confusion. I learned so much from the people who read my work, and shared their own experience. More so, I had found peace and healing in my journey, and found myself hopeful and excited to fall in love again. Yet, all around me I heard friends and strangers vowing they would never do it again. To be honest, it broke my heart.
This was the fuel to my fire. I needed to write. Not because my experience was any better, worse or different from anyone else. Because there were hearts as jaded as my own, that needed to believe it would all be worth it. So, I wrote.
The greatest lesson I have learned on this journey has been that no matter how much I resisted, overthought, controlled and planned my life, ultimately I would end up exactly where I was meant to be. It could be easier. I just needed to be. I needed the courage to find myself again. To shake off the dust of crawling around the basement of my self-esteem. Embrace the wounds that broke my heart open to love even deeper, and open my eyes and life to the world of opportunities that lay before me. One of those opportunities being the chance to write a book.
Here I Am NOW, gave me the chance to relive and share the most intimate and life changing moments of my life. It is a story of falling down and getting back up in a tireless search for the deepest kind of love that exists. I hope my story will touch lives and soften hearts, giving the hope and courage to live and love out loud. Shake hands with the person who walks every day in your shoes, so that you too may forget the rules and trust and follow the guidance of your heart. Embrace the gift of heartbreak. Be vulnerable, so that you may discover your true strength and open yourself to a world of opportunity. Free your heart – turn pain into acceptance and forgiveness. Live every day of your life with a beautiful heart, believing in love.